Fear

For those that are tired of reading about anything political, I encourage you to skip this post. Yes, it will eventually link to cancer, but in a very round about way. I will not tolerate or approve any editorial comments about the election or justification for what has happened. You can send me a personal email or write an old fashioned hate letter if you feel the need to respond, but this is not the place to argue. I began this blog to keep friends and family updated about my health situation, which I will do, but it has become more than that. It’s a place to share my feelings about a personal journey that I did not go on voluntarily, but yet, here I am on this road and there is only one way off. This is my place to express my feelings, and hopefully, when I am no longer here, to leave behind my thoughts, opinions, and emotions for those that follow. So, if you continue to read on, buckle up, because it’s not going to be pretty.

So, my muscles are in knots, my head is splitting in two, my stomach has not stopped turning since Tuesday night. Not because a republican has been elected president. I have lived quite happily under republican presidents and am no worse for the wear. However, for the first time in history, we did not elect a democrat or a republican. We elected a sexual predator. A homophobe, a racist, a misogynist, a xenophobe, an absolute lunatic who hides behind the label of “republican.” I’m completely dumbfounded. I’m in utter shock, disbelief, and emotional turmoil. How can the greatest country on earth elect one of the poorest excuses for a human being ever to run our country? We have placed our future in the hands of a man who openly admits that he does not respect women, minorities, homosexuals, refugees, veterans, families of military casualties, and other political leaders. And yet he is going to bring us all together? Unite us? Build diplomatic bridges?

I’m afraid. I’m very afraid. I’m not only afraid for the groups that he has already said he will target, but I am also afraid for myself and for my family. My son is 18 years old. What if this idiot gets us involved in foreign conflicts that lead to more war, destruction, and loss of life? What if we have to go back to a draft? Will my son be forced to fight and possibly die because of Trump’s ego?

I’m afraid for myself. I’m afraid for every person living with a chronic condition or terminal disease. Will I lose my benefits? Will “lifetime maximums” be re-instated by insurance companies who care only about profits and not people? Will I be forced to make a decision between dying or continuing to live while running my family into crippling debt? Will I ever be able to go on disability and afford the medicine and care that I need to stay alive?

I’m afraid for my students. I’m afraid for my Hispanic students, for my gay students, for my female students, for my refugee students. I’ve held students while they sobbed in my arms this week. I’ve tried to calm their fears, reassure them that it’s going to be ok. But I am lying to them. I don’t know if it’s going to be ok. I don’t know if they will be allowed to stay in the United States. I don’t know if they will be able to marry someone they love. I don’t know if they will be allowed to make their own decisions about their health and their bodies. I really just don’t know.

The masses who elected Trump, including some of my own friends and family will say that my fear is unfounded. They will say that I worry to much. They will say that we must give the president-elect a chance. They will say that I am wrong and that my life will get better. They will call me ridiculous, tell me that I am over-reacting and being dramatic. They will tell me that I am just upset because my side lost. Well, losing sucks for sure. No one goes through life and never loses. I’ve lost a lot. But, I always pick myself up, brush myself off, and keep going. I keep trying. I keep working. I keep living. This is honestly the first time in my entire life that I am actually doubting my ability to keep doing any of those things.

If you were hoping that this post was going to end in a rally cry, or on a positive note, it’s not. I’m truly at a loss for words. I don’t know what to say and I don’t know how to keep going. Hate won. Racism won. Discrimination won. Evil won. The republicans did not win. The democrats did not win. We’ve all lost. We’ve lost our compassion, our empathy, our decency, our pride, our respect, our friends, our hearts, and apparently, our minds. I can’t make jokes about it. It simply isn’t funny.

I will see my doctor tomorrow and get my monthly treatment. I have a few questions I will ask about the one good decision voters made in this election. I will ask about medical aid in dying. I will ask if Kaiser is going to participate in this or if I will need to look elsewhere. I doubt I am within 6 months of dying, but the time will come. Depending on if and when I lose my insurance, it may come sooner rather than later. I will not leave my family in debt when I leave this world. I will not turn to crowd funding to pay for medicine and treatment. I will not continue to live when I am nothing but a burden to those I love. I will take control of what little I have control over. I know it’s sad and depressing. But, that’s what life is for me right now. And having a little piece of control amidst the chaos, confusion, and darkness is all that keeps me hanging on at this point.

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